Using Alcohol to Cope With PTSD – Del’s Naked Life
Del spent years as a Glasgow detective using alcohol to cope with PTSD. Limiting failed, and so did quitting, until he educated himself about alcohol....
Angela realized that her journey with alcohol had gone way off course. She needed to change that and This Naked Mind showed her how!
As a child I had a family friend do something to me that made me uncomfortable at age 10. I was too nervous to tell my parents, so I kept it hidden. My young body couldn’t handle this pressure for too long, so at age 12 I became anorexic and I started my journey with alcohol.
My friend and I would steal alcohol from her mom’s liquor cabinet, mix all of the alcohol and liqueurs together, and drink until we got sick. Then we started drinking at parties, too. By the time I was age 14, I was a binge drinker and was the girl at every high school party who ended up throwing up in the bathtub.
As I progressed in age, it didn’t get better. And to make it worse, I would get so blackout drunk that I would cheat on my boyfriends, make decisions that put me in danger, and became very promiscuous.
I never trusted, loved, or accepted myself because of the alcohol. It made me nervous and it took away my power. No matter what good intentions I had, alcohol would destroy them and brought out an alter ego that I did not like.
When I lived in San Francisco, I really couldn’t handle drinking and living a normal life. One time, I woke up in the hospital, not even sure how I got there. They told me a taxi driver had brought me in when I passed out and blacked out in his car as I couldn’t even tell him where I lived.
In my early 20’s, I fell in love with a psychopath. He charmed me into his home, promising me the world. Instead, he became abusive and I spent many evenings hiding from him in closets, praying to God for help…but no one came. When my daughter was born, I moved out and never looked back. I didn’t want her to grow up with that type of father, however, I had severe PTSD from horrific moments of terror when he was hurting me.
All through my 20’s and mid-30s, I didn’t trust myself around alcohol. This created a disconnect in my brain because I was actually a very good-hearted person and was nothing like the person that came out when I blacked out. It created so much pain and anxiety for me that I had to be on Xanax. Otherwise, I’d wake up in the middle of the night, going over in my mind all of the horrific things I had done while drunk. This always included not being the best version of a young parent I could’ve been for my oldest child (who is now 17). There are things I did that she still remembers. While I’ve forgiven myself, I can tell she hasn’t forgiven me. I’m hoping time will resolve her pain and anger, as it has done for me.
In 2015, everything shifted. I became deathly ill due to a toxic mold issue in our home. My. children and I had been going in and out of the ER often without knowing what was going on. Finally, after some research, I figured it out: mold. The landlord denied it at first, but I was on a mission as I had oozing scabs on my face, my belly was distended, and I had excruciating pain in my sinus cavities.
I had two inspectors come to our home and they both told me the same thing: “Get out of here and don’t take anything with you!” The mold levels inside the home were higher than the homes after the flood due to Hurricane Katrina.
So, there I was: near death, with two sick children, and homeless. For a while, this fueled my drinking even more as I felt so incredibly out of control. But then I realized: “If I don’t stop, I’m going to die. My body is barely hanging on. I cannot leave my two daughters in the world alone.”
I moved us to my parent’s house and stopped drinking alcohol, started doing pilates, and visited the infrared sauna. Western medicine had failed me and my children, therefore, I turned my attention to the mystical. I attended a meditation course for the first time ever and was hooked! I began my studies in mysticism, received multiple healings from my mentor, and was initiated into the Modern Mystery School in 2017, which was my first taste of spirituality. I learned how to use my energy for good and meditated deeply.
I won the lawsuit against my landlord, and I was able to move back out on my own into a beautiful home and completely refurnished it from scratch. My daughters and I were happy and healthy! I began attending a school called Foundation of Spiritual Development. It was like an ancient language that my body understood…I couldn’t get enough. I was taught the basics of energy, how to ground myself, how to heal myself, and how to perform “readings” on myself and others. I felt like I was in Hogwarts, to be honest. It was the best thing to ever happen to me!
I then began my studies in shamanism and astrology, advancing and getting certified in shamanic medicine. Everything was moving in the right direction, I felt extremely connected to the spiritual world, and I didn’t need alcohol to hide anymore. In fact, I was able to heal myself from the childhood trauma, as well as the PTSD from the domestic abuse. I was on cloud 9, feeling like I had conquered all of my demons and was in the clear.
And then…COVID hit and I experienced a horrific family law incident that left me heartbroken, reaching for the bottle.
I was used to working from home, that wasn’t an issue. However, I wasn’t used to having my husband and all of our kids home, too. As an introvert who needs her alone time, this became a nightmare. My husband had severe childhood trauma and has always struggled with alcohol. He began bringing home alcohol and I became weak…I gave in. My journey with alcohol continued.
When my custody battle with my ex (over our 6-year-old daughter) got ugly, I couldn’t handle it. In fact, I got so drunk the night before my rehearsal dinner, I spent the entire rehearsal dinner in my hotel room alone, vomiting. My wedding was a blur, my honeymoon was riddled with anxiety and rage. I felt my light going out. During my meditations, I could no longer access the power I used to feel. I could no longer heal myself.
I finally had enough! I told my husband he needed to stop drinking or else I’d leave him. That’s when I found your app. I’m a science nerd, therefore, I LOVED the way you explained what alcohol actually does to our bodies and brains. I begged my husband and my mom to try it, too, which they did. For the first time in 20 years, my mom stopped drinking because of your app and our relationship improved.
My husband was able to go 35 days without any alcohol, which was amazing! He still struggles with not drinking, but he doesn’t drink in excess.
For me: I no longer need the alcohol to numb out. Once I stopped drinking, I was able to heal any residual guilt and fear, not to mention the energy it gave me! Now I wake up at 5 a.m. to work on my business before the kids wake up. During the pandemic, I would sleep in as long as I could and be groggy all day, not even living life.
I absolutely would not be in this healed, glorious state of being if it weren’t for the app and This Naked Mind. I’m an introvert, so the thought of ever going to an AA meeting did not appeal to me at all. However, the app provided a sense of community and support to get through it.
Because of my sobriety, I was able to focus on trying to move out of the corporate finance scene and toward successfully launching my coaching and online course career, while writing my book.
While alcohol is no longer a part of our daily life, I feel okay with having it at perhaps Thanksgiving and Christmas, but in small amounts (that’s what I did last year). And the best part is: I trust myself.
Does your journey with alcohol include help from This Naked Mind, The Alcohol Experiment, our podcasts, or another TNM program? We want to hear your story and share it with others. Submit your story here.
