Amanda knew she was miserable with drinking but she couldn’t find happiness without alcohol either. Discovering a Naked life changed that!
I started drinking at 17, and by freshman year of college it had already become a problem. I was blacking out many weekends and partying too hard (even for a college freshman). College was a roller coaster ride of bad relationships, nights I didn’t remember, and too many hangovers. Despite concerns from my friends, I never felt like I could quit alcohol all together. I was in a sorority and nearly every social gathering revolved around taking shots or playing beer pong. There seemed no feasible way to be sober and still have a social life. I might be miserable with drinking, but I’d be desperate without alcohol.
After college, I made a conscious effort to cut down on drinking. I began a healthy relationship with my current boyfriend. We drank together, but he typically never drank more than 2-3 beers and I worked hard to moderate at that level with him. I planned activities that did not involve drinking or would take weeks or months off at a time from drinking. After about a year of this, I felt like I had “control” over my drinking and that whatever problems I had in college were eradicated with maturity, a serious boyfriend, and a full-time job. I decided it was safe to begin drinking “the way I wanted” again.
I was able to drink at “safer” limits for a while. I would only drink on the weekends and I would never start drinking until late at night; that way, I would ensure that I wouldn’t drink too much or too fast. This seemed to be working for a while, and again, I was under the illusion that I could drink safely and responsibly. However, I would still have the occasional “blackout” at a bar or get too drunk and get in a fight with my boyfriend.
I had the vague sense that maybe my alcohol problems weren’t completely gone, and this made me uncomfortable.
In August of 2017, my boyfriend and I moved across the country so that he could go to grad school. It was an exciting time, but I also did not know anyone and it was hard to make friends in a new city. I was working a demanding job and found it so easy to deal with my stress and loneliness by turning to a bottle of wine at the end of the day. Before I knew it, I was drinking a bottle of wine night – alone and 3 to 4 nights a week. Soon, I found that the single bottle did not “do the trick,” and had gotten accustomed to making several cocktails before I opened the bottle of wine.
Miserable with Drinking
By January 2018, I was completely miserable with drinking. My whole week had turned into a series of drinking and hangovers, and I wasn’t productive at all at work anymore. I struggled to get through every day and looked forward to my wine at the end of the day. My hangovers were getting worse and often times, I’d wake up feeling so sick that the only way to feel better was to have a mimosa. This often turned into a whole day of drinking and the cycle would start all over.
Need To Change
I knew that I had to make a change. My goal was sticking to a 2 to 3 drink limit when I went out, but it was impossible. I couldn’t leave a bottle of wine unfinished. If I only had a couple drinks, I would feel irritable and itchy, and wish that I had more.
I never felt satisfied with only a few drinks; I always wanted more.
The more I tried to control my drinking, the worse it got, and I was back to drinking at the dangerous levels that I had in college. One afternoon after a day of drinking, I found myself in tears in my bed, knowing that I was completely out of control and the only option I had was to get sober.
This Doesn’t Fit
When I first got sober, I struggled significantly. I was attending a 12-step meeting and did not resonate at all with the concept of a higher power. Also, I was realizing how incredibly uncomfortable I felt socializing sober and realized that without a drink, I felt insecure and lonely. I struggled for about a year before relapsing. I was miserable with drinking and miserable without it.
After I relapsed, I found This Naked Mind. I was fascinated by the evidence-based, scientific approach, and was immediately enthralled. I became very involved in The Alcohol Experiment and the online community. Finding it was fulfilling to have real conversations about the brain, addiction, and the media, instead of just being told to submit to a higher power and don’t ask questions.
This Naked Mind completely changed my views on drinking- I now view alcohol as an unnecessary poison that steals my joy.
Further, I’ve found how much fun sobriety can be and have come to enjoy being fully present in life!
Are you miserable with drinking? Start reading This Naked Mind for free today and find out how to stop.
Share Your Story
I want to share my story to help others who may be struggling but like me, don’t see sobriety as an option.