Trigger warning: This episode contains references to disordered eating and the death of a parent following a medical complication.
“I’m actually on day twenty-six alcohol-free right now, the first time since I was pregnant with my daughter,” Bethany says. Bev has been counting differently: hers started January 13th, and her husband hasn’t missed a single one of his own drinking nights since. Bethany and Bev work with Coaches Hayley and Cole on how to quit drinking when your spouse still drinks.
Ready to take the next step on your journey? Explore free resources, programs, social links, and more at learn.thisnakedmind.com/podcast-resources. You’ll also find information about The Path and how coaching can support your goals. Plus, if you have your own Naked Life story, you can submit it there. Until next week, stay curious.
Start reading This Naked Mind for free today!
“The alcohol has definitely been a big part of my life since 2007,” Bethany says. By the time she signed up for The Path, it was three to four boxes of wine a week. Rum and orange juice at night with her husband. Vodka in every purse she owned, for whenever the inkling hit.
“I had anorexia, back when I was eighteen to twenty-one years old,” she says. She’d gone down to a hundred and two pounds, essentially see-through, until her father sat down next to her and told her he knew what she was doing to herself. “For me,” he said. “If only for me, please stay.” She stayed. For years after that, she told him everything, every single day.
Four years ago, he went into the hospital for surgery to remove part of his colon. He was cleared to go home. Then a complication turned into sepsis, and within days, he was gone. “I was there by his side,” she says. “I was there holding him with his last breath, and he should have lived so much longer.”
She still wakes up most nights back in that hospital room. “I see him under the blanket, still alive,” she says. “And there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Alcohol was my blankie.”
“Is it possible he can still be that comfort?” Coach Hayley asked her. “Because it sounds like who he was, his essence, his stability for you, that anchor, is what comes to mind. That’s all still there.”
“Since January 13th,” Bev says. Before that: alcohol-free through October and part of November, a couple of slips, then finally sticking for good. Her husband hasn’t cut back at all. He’s even switched to different beers so he can tell her, “I could drink so many of these and I don’t feel it.” “And I’m thinking, if you didn’t do it, you would feel nothing,” she says.
“As I was going through it, I realized I didn’t know that I had resentment,” Bev says. “I’m not a jealous person, so to realize I had resentment was very eye-opening, because it wasn’t something I knew I had.”
She also has liver cancer, HCC. “It’s a life or death situation,” she says. “There’s no gray area.” Her husband was there for every test and every round of chemo the first time she had cancer. His first wife died of cancer too. They met in bars, watching bands, and alcohol was there from the start.
Most nights, when the music stays on and he keeps drinking, she retreats to her room. Puts her Bluetooth in. Listens to something else until she can be around him again.
What she hasn’t told him: “I think he thinks I’m boring when I don’t,” she says, “because I do retreat.” She’s never asked him if it’s true.
“Everything’s clearer when there’s not a fog going on.”
Coach Cole’s suggestion: stop guessing, and ask him.
Hayley Scherders is a certified TNM Coach with training from the Canadian Addiction and Mental Health Association. Drawing from personal experiences, Hayley understands how tough change can be and provides a safe, compassionate, and judgment-free space where her clients can feel supported. She believes that with the right mindset, anyone can change their life at any time.
Learn more about Coach Hayley: https://thisnakedmind.com/coach/hayley-scherders/
Cole Harvey is a Certified Naked Mind Senior Coach. For years, he felt lost and used alcohol to cope, until he decided to go alcohol-free and focus on finding his purpose. Through curiosity, self-compassion, and adventure, he transformed his life. As a habit change and mindset coach, Cole helps young men understand themselves, build better habits, and find meaning.
Learn more about Coach Cole: https://thisnakedmind.com/coach/cole-harvey/
Episode links:
nakedmindpath.com
I Quit Drinking But My Spouse Has Not, Any Advice? | Reader Question | EP 48
How Quitting Drinking Can Improve a Relationship | Gavin’s Naked Life | EP 842
How To Stop Drinking To Avoid Emotions | Alcohol Freedom Coaching | EP 845
A: Because in the moment, it works. Alcohol slows your nervous system down and gives you a few hours of relief from whatever you’re avoiding, whether that’s grief, resentment, fear, or something you haven’t named yet. Bethany and Bev both spent years using it that way. The relief is real, it’s just temporary, and the thing you were avoiding is still there when it wears off.
A: Yes, and it’s more common than people expect. Bev didn’t realize she’d been carrying resentment until she stopped drinking and had nothing left to drown it with. Once the drink is gone, the feelings underneath it don’t disappear, they finally get room to surface. Naming what you’re feeling, even if it takes you by surprise, is usually the first step toward working through it, which is what coaching inside The Path is built to help with.
A: Grief takes as long as it takes. Alcohol doesn’t shorten that, it delays it and adds a hangover on top. Bereaved adults are significantly more likely to screen positive for problematic alcohol use than the general population, especially in the first year or two after a loss. Bethany found that the comfort she was searching for at three in the morning wasn’t actually external. It was internal: in memory, in presence, in allowing the feeling instead of numbing it.
A: Start with an honest conversation instead of a silent one. Bev spent months assuming her husband thought she was boring for not drinking with him anymore, and never once asked him if that was true. Couples whose drinking patterns don’t match tend to report more relationship strain than couples who drink similarly, and that gap is exactly where guessing does the most damage. Coach Cole’s suggestion: ask him directly, without blame, and find new ways to connect that don’t involve a drink.
A: ALP is the framework behind This Naked Mind’s coaching, created by Annie Grace, founder of This Naked Mind and author of the bestselling book This Naked Mind. It works by addressing the emotional roots of drinking rather than relying on willpower, labels, or shame. You can read more about the methodology at Affective Liminal Psychology.
Did This Naked Mind, The Path, or The Alcohol Experiment help you find freedom from drinking? Share your story (you can remain anonymous!) and you could be featured on an episode of This Naked Mind Podcast to inspire others.
Special music thank you to the Kevin MacLeod Funkorama (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
This Naked Mind was founded by bestselling author Annie Grace, whose book This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness & Change Your Life has helped hundreds of thousands of people around the world change their relationship with alcohol — without shame, without rules, and without feeling like something is wrong with them.
This Naked Mind’s approach is rooted in neuroscience, psychology, and the lived experience of real people who’ve been exactly where you are. The podcast, the books, The Alcohol Experiment, and The Path program all operate from the same core belief: that you are not broken, and that lasting change comes from understanding — not willpower.
Whether you’re curious about alcohol, trying to figure out how to stop drinking, or looking for a way to finally feel at home in your own life, This Naked Mind meets you where you are.
